Winthrop in dire need of more riots

By Connor DeBruler
debrulerc@mytjnow.com

Illustration by Courtney Niskala•niskalac@mytjnow.comThere aren’t enough protests on the Winthrop campus.

We don’t even need a specific cause to protest against. Rallying together is a fantastic way to exercise unity as a student body.

I remember the religious fanatics that nearly incited a riot last year during October. So many students were united in hating the same three people. It was beautiful. Unfortunately, a lot of students were tacking on their random social and political agendas to the hysteria (remember the SSU banner?).

I want the student body to rally together and stop classes and cause a bunch of arrests and detainments for no good reason. We should rally against the Baby Boomer generation. We should rally against there not being enough recycling bins on the campus. We rally against the idea that we don’t rally enough.

What I’m envisioning is best illustrated in the Slipknot music video for their song “Duality.” I’m hoping for a controlled, finite state of emergency and chaos: people punching through glass windows, arguing with cops and jumping through ceilings.

We should rally for the installment of seventy to eighty trampolines placed around campus.

Let’s make the campus more lively and exciting. It is our constitutional right to engage in free assembly and free speech, so let’s exercise it. Rights are like muscles and its time to get ripped and fit as a student body.

We should protest milk, man! What’s the deal with milk?

I personally feel that Thomson cafeteria should invest in several seltzer dispensers.

Come on Winthrop! College is about pushing the limits of thought and life itself. Streaking used to be all the rage in the 70s. Why not do some of that? We could organize a naked march down scholars walk. We should have a naked midnight pool party.

The possibilities are endless.

In my extensive conversation with president DiGiorgio, we discussed the statement Kierkegaard made about generations. He said that the new generation stands on the shoulders of the latter. I fervently submit to you that we cannot stand on the shoulders of the last generation without bruising their shoulders and kicking their faces a little. We should be giving the staff and administration a hard time all the time.

I’ve decided that I’m going to protest milk and cereal pretty soon in front of Byrnes Hall. I think cereal should be illegal for the simple reason that it’s the grossest crap ever annexed into the canon of American cuisine.

I dare you Winthrop. I dare you to form some good riots this year.