Vampire lifestyle appears uncomfortable

Connor de Bruler

Opinion editor 

Illustration by Courtney Niskala - niskalac@thejohnsonian.comI would much rather be a werewolf than a vampire.

I’ve often thought about what life would be like if I were to become a mythical creature and I have often weighed the pros and cons of each lifestyle.  

In my opinion, being a vampire would be a horrible fate. Not only is the entire persona and image of the vampire based on an intrinsic sexuality, but it seems to me that most vampires, such as Count Dracula, Carmelita and Mr. Cullen, are quite vain. I try to expel as much vanity from my life as I possibly can. I don’t think seducing victims in a castle or making sure my hair is properly moussed would suite me. 

Another downside to vampires is the constant need for blood. How much blood do they need on a nightly basis? I imagine it’s similar to being a heroin addict. The only thing they can think about is from whom their next quart of hemoglobin is coming. 

That sounds like a terrible existence. 

Vampires can only come out at night. Everything’s closed at night. How do they time their shopping? I couldn’t go to the bookstore, the comic shop or the skating rink. 

Being a vampire would be a drag. 

Werewolves, on the other hand are allowed to live normal lives as exemplary citizens. Things would only be complicated during waning and waxing gibbous moons. 

I’m also attracted to the slightly woodsmen-like, pastoral image werewolves perpetuate. I could live in a cabin in Alaska and dress in flannel shirts. I could get into fights with bears in the wilderness.

In a way, we are all werewolves. Unlike vampires, humans are not consistent in our goals and needs. Sometimes a wave of emotion or energy can spur behavior we think to be out of our control. We’ve all woken up wondering where we were the night before. 

There are many different creatures to choose from: mummies, zombies, witches, demons and human resource directors. But werewolves and vampires are the most poignant because they illustrate the constant struggle within ourselves between instinct and desire. 

At one point folklore, werewolves and vampires were the same myth. Even in the classics, such as “Carmelita” and “Dracula,” the vampires possess the power to transform into wolves and bats. 

I’m not sure there’s much of a point here, but in a world where “Twilight” has earned billions of dollars, I suppose every writer is obligated to cash in on age-old folktales. I’m just doing it in my own ridiculous way. 

I hope you had a happy Halloween.