Liberal youngster feels strongly about civic duty

By Alex Muller

This will be taken the wrong way, no matter how I write it.  It is gross and shameful to admit.  I don’t have a political opinion of my own. 

Any thoughts that I have are the product of others: Ron Paul sounds “chill,” and “hella liberal.”  Mitt Romney is a Mormon, whatever that is.  Anderson Cooper looks like one of those lab mice with the pink eyes, except his eyes are blue.   

That last statement was one of my own, thank you.

Naturally, as a liberal arts college student, I am hyper-conscious of my civic duty.  Perhaps this is why I do desperately try to have a political opinion, even if it is only the opinion of others.

“Hey Dad,” I say, “what do you think of Ron Paul?”

“I liked him before those racist writings came out,” he says.

And then, “Hey Facebook,” I’ll say, “Ron Paul is a racist!  Who knew?”

Facebook is good for many things.  Recently, it’s become my daily paper and my MSNBC.  The Dow is down .6% and seven of my friends are posting about Santorum today.  Apparently, he’s a “real dick,” and here’s an article to prove it!  

All of my stoner friends are hyping over Ron Paul.  I’m kind of hoping he’ll lose so that I don’t have to read any more self-righteous posts about weed for a while.  I feel like legalization is the least of the issues at stake, and according to my News Feed, that’s the extent of Ron Paul’s platform.  Or something.

Still, though, he seems “chill.” 

I am too chill.  I’m apathetic.  Please, someone, give me an opinion!  Let me know what to think.  “LMS” if I should vote for Romney.  I’ll reciprocate by posting something significant on your wall: “Hey look, this kitten knows how to meow the ‘Star Spangled Banner.’”  I can be patriotic.

I want to feel a part of your 99 percent, as long as it doesn’t come with a commitment.  Occupying things sounds like a relationship I’m not ready for.  Am I moving in with Wall Street? I feel like we just met.  Do we have to cuddle afterwards?

I want this idea of unity, though.  Give me your solidarity, but let me keep my individuality.  Is it possible to be a separate 1% of your 99? 

Just please let me watch my Youtube in peace.  Leave my virgin vloggers untouched by Mitt Romney’s campaign team.  I think I’m voting for Ron Paul after all.

Now that I have an opinion I can start contributing to society.  Tonight, I’ll scroll through my friends’ tweets, thinking of something interesting to say for tomorrow, something political and important.  Because I’m informed.

Meanwhile, my buffering video sputters through an ad:

“If you don’t plan on voting… in the next election… you can skip…. this ad now…”

“Cool,” I say, “I will.”