Editor Figures Out Romney

By Connor de Bruler
debrulerc@mytjnow.com

“Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. I’m going to try to make you cry, but instead I’m going to bore the shit out of you.”

--Eugene Mirman

Comedian Eugene Mirman once said that Mitt Romney talked to the American people as if they were retarded trust-fund students. Mirman added that he was in special education throughout his years in elementary school and couldn’t take anymore of that kind of shit. 

Romney’s appearance at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, S.C. shed some light on the comedian’s comments from four years ago. The speech took place around 3:30 p.m. in McBride Hall. Hundreds of people crowded around with official and homemade campaign posters. 

The Republican candidate appeared exactly six minutes late, getting on the stage after a short preamble. 

Romney’s rhetoric focused primarily on two subjects: 

1. His success as the governor of Massachusetts was an obvious job, in which he tackled and triumphed over a billion-dollar deficit. He assured that both Republicans and Democrats in Massachusetts were able to come together under his leadership.
2. His second strategy was to attack the current president’s actions.  

Romney’s actions don’t coincide with his words. His track record as a competent money handler and champion of capitalism appear to be undermined by his use of clichés. 

This is where Eugene Mirman’s quote begins to make sense. Romney referred to his own wife as a “good-looking grandma.” He also quoted large portions different nationalist hymns, without commenting on or telling the audience why they were important to quote. Romeny also said that President Obama woke up every morning and said to himself that it could be worse. He protested that real American’s woke up everyday and said it could be better. 

That doesn’t mean anything. 

Romney’s campaign is doing pretty well so far despite his offbeat sense of humor, which happens to be slightly edgier than a bar of soap. 

With his impressive fiscal track record, Obama-hating slander that uncomfortably borderlines on racism and his perfect appearance, Romney is just another astute American politician. There’s really no story here, which is why I wrote a column instead.