Editors complains about the way 2012 should go down
Wednesday, January 18, 2012 at 7:46PM By Connor de Bruler
debrulerc@mytjnow.com
Here are some things I would like to change for the New Year. I don’t believe in resolutions. I want the actual world to change.
1). I’d like pop songs to stop using the following phrases, “Crying shame”, “Too late”, “You are my everything.”
2). I want my dealer to lower his prices.
3). Glenn Beck should stop writing books. Any books. I don’t even want to read his crossword puzzles.
4). Can’t we just legalize weed?
5). Religious people should finally admit it’s all a scam.
6). President DiGiorgio should stop e-mailing us about money. It’s always gonna be bad news anyway.
7). Nikki Haley should stop doing…you know…the whole governor thing. I really don’t think an income tax dodger is the best person to be governing a state whose economy is literally raping itself.
8). Thomson needs to stay open a little longer. There are students who get out of class rather late and would still like a nice meal.
9). Elevation Church should go back to wherever they came from.
10). Maybe the school could take more initiative to house the stray cats between Nance and Tillman.
11). I’m tired of my friends supporting Ron Paul just because he wants to legalize marijuana.
12). Again, I would like to legalize it.
13). I want congress to stop calling rich people “job makers” and everyone who doesn’t work for the government the “private sector”, like it’s just a sliver of the U.S. when it’s pretty much the whole damn thing. I also hated how every business executive just latched onto that term like it means something. When I say “private sector” I’m normally referring to my penis.
14). Whatever happened to Sufjan Steven’s 50 state project. Did he just give up?
15). I want the Student Health Organization to stop offering me kindles. I don’t want one.
16). Why isn’t there club on campus for American Indian students. I mean, I’m not Indian, but you’d think there’d be a community for my Catawba and Cherokee friends.
17). I think every American student should take a Chinese exchange student under their wing to further mix the school.
18). Seriously, those frogs near the lawn are creepy.
19). Thomson, just because you put a sombrero near your Fritos and chili doesn’t make it international cooking.
20). What about those trampolines I asked for?
21). I really want people who identify themselves as “Furries” to stop acting like their some kind of oppressed minority. Group sex doesn’t need animal costumes to get any creepier. No one else should have to suffer just because you imprinted your ill-developed sexual needs on 90’s Disney characters. You’re ruining the rights of homosexuals and transgender people with your nonsense.
